Martial Arts Humor
This page has several parts, many of which came from postings and
discussion from the rec.martial-arts newgroup.
Sections O' the Page:
Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors
Stupid martial arts accidents
Ghostwheel's Top Ten Signs you're at a
Top 13 Signs You've Joined the Wrong
Martial Arts School
Martial Arts Doublespeak
You Know You've Been in the Martial
Arts Too Long When...
Some Martial Arts Definitions
Top Ten Reasons for Studying Martial
You know you're Hooked on Karate When...
Iron Crotch Kung Fu
Other Humorous Martial Arts Links
Common Students that Martial Arts
This section taken from a hilarious thread in
rec.martial-arts.moderated. You will note some of the student
descriptions are similar----I found it funny that I recognized every
single one of the "students"---and so I didn't want to drop any of the
- Question Lad (aka. What-If?): This guy will bring up every
possible permutation for every drill that is being worked. Solution:
Make him uki.
- Captain Slacker: Dogs the drills and sucks away the stunning
dynamic experience that occurs during every class. ;-) Solution:
Make him uki.
- The Interpreter: Seems to believe that explanations must be
altered to so that the masses can understand them. Even when the
masses are already doing the drill. Solution: Make him uki.
- The Whacker. Selflessly and altruistically strives to make
each partner drill ultra-"realistic", for his partner's learning
benefit. Leaves a wake of bruises, black eyes, and sprains
behind him until he tries it on the wrong person. Solution:
trade partners frequently, the right one will come along soon.
- The Silver Spoon. Has a unique blind spot that prevents him
from seeing anything that needs doing around the dojo. This blind
spot is so wide that he can't see an entire dojo floor full of
other students with rags cleaning up. Solution: hand him a rag.
Or make him uke. Gis make great cleaning rags, with or without
a person in them.
- The Assistant Insructor. Possessed of a truly amazing learning
curve, this specimen has absorbed enough knowledge in six months'
study to be able to offer a flawless critique of others' practice.
Undeterred by the presence of actual knowledge and experience.
Solution: have him do heian shodan.
As my sensei told me, "Nobody knows more about karate than a green belt.
If you don't believe it, just ask him"
- The Vince Lombardi Wannabe: Believes only that a good offense is the
best defense. Constantly
attacks training partners at full speed to demonstrate this philosophy,
leaving confused and disgruntled students in his wake.
Solution: He/she feeds the instructor next time.
- The Whiner.
Common source of "but that huuuuurts!" "I think I need to sit out for a
moment," and "that's too hard!" during simple basic partner drills,
including all light sparring. Solution: Take two Tylenol and put them
back in. They'll either gain a little intestinal fortitude or they'll
quit. (Note: the Tylenol is for YOU, not them.) (Note 2: I'm not talking
real injury here----I mean the whimpering little whining that happens when
someone gets an arm bar put on, so that the pressure on the arm "hurts my
arm muscle." Things like that. People who simply canNOT get through an
entire class without at least 2 brief class pauses while the instructor
checks if the person is really hurt, or just whining yet _again_.)
(And yes, I've got one of these. Arg.)
- The Toughman. Can take ANY technique, and "tough it out" according to
him (it is almost always a him) Pressure points don't work (according to
him), locks are something he can handle (according to him), and getting
thrown/landed on/smashed/crushed/mangled is something where he can "take
the pain, suck it up, and shrug it off." No matter what. Solution: make
him uki MORE.
- The Cross-trainer. "White belt, you need to adjust your stance this
way." "But sir, this is the way we did it in the last
tkd/karate/aikido/judo/whatever class I was in. And I've noted you don't
do [such and such] technique 'correctly' ---in my last class, the teacher
said it was stupid to do it the way you do."
Teacher: "Arg. Can I simply kill you now?"
Solution: Manage to not show Little Grasshopper why you "do it that way,"
and simple explain that different classes do it different ways----and in
THIS class, we do it MY way.
- The Primal Male. Women simply canNOT do techniques that would be
effective against this man because, after all, they are women. Smaller,
weaker, etc... Solution: Have the smallest high ranking female in class
use The Primal Male as demonstration person for joint locks and throws.
In front of the new students. (This person is common in many college
- The Mouth. Has the amazing ability to continue talking while you are
standing in front of him stating that he should shut up. (If you're
lucky, this only occurs in children's classes.) Solution: His partner
gets 10 pushups everytime he opens his mouth.
- The Clueless: He's constantly doing stuff wrong. Even the simplest
explanations bring a glazed look to his eye as he continues to be unable
to improve. Solution: Can't think of a single one.
[Ed. Note: Baseball bat. Hey, it is theraputic for the teacher.]
- The macho newbie: He's big, he's strong, and he knows it.
Furthermore, there's no woman in the whole dojo that he couldn't knock out
with his fabulous punch, and he's going to make sure that everyone knows
it. Solution: Kick him in the groin. ;) (OK, so you can't really do
that if you're the instructor, but you can tell the other students to do
- The macho old-timer: He's big, he's strong, and he's been doing this
a long time. Ain't no one in the place that better *ever* beat him at a
drill, or they will pay the concequences. Solution: Kick him in the
groin (Hey, Don got to use solutions over! ;), and then quickly move on
to the next partner.
- The "in my previous dojo"'er: Need I say more? :)
Solution: send him on to his next dojo.
- Ninja Bob: is pretty sure that he is training to become
a covert agent, and wants constant reassurance of the deadlyness
of his/her endeavors.
- Every sifu's best friend: wants to be your 'best' student,
but unfortunately can't deal with training in the group. It's
not his fault really, but he's a kick ass private student at
the no contact level. (you guys can call this "The Maurice" if
- Mr. Agreeable: Yes, he understands. Yes, the drill makes
sense, sure. Sure, keep it slow, watch the contact. (smile,
nod) Oh, like that, right. ...Proceeds (as soon as your back
is turned) to, in dazed confusion, invent his own damn drill,
thank you very much, fast, out of control, and not at all similar
to the original.
- Ms. I'm-tough-'cuz-I-do-karate. She likes to think she's tough, but
anytime someone makes even a little bit of contact, she's going to
complain to anyone that will listen. This is to be contrasted with the
women who *are* there to train, and say nothing about the multiple bruises
they take home every night from the macho-newbie and the macho-old-timer.
Solution: Hit her really hard and tell her to stop being such a wuss when
she complains. The phrase "It's karate/judo/etc., it's supposed to hurt
a little bit" should be used often. Solution: every single time, without
exception, pair Ms. Selfdefense with #4, The Whacker. This will
necessitate her learning to "whack" back.
- Ms. Self-Defense. She's read too many RMA threads, and truely
believes that her intelligence will get her out of any struggle she may
encounter. And if her intelligence doesn't work, then her legs will,
because after all, women's legs are stronger than men's. Solution: Put
her one on one with one of the smaller guys, and tell her to defend
herself. 19 times out of 20, she'll find that her legs and her
intelligence don't matter too awefully much.
Every single time, without exception, pair Ms. I'm-tough-'cuz-I-
do-karate with #9, the macho newbie. She will probably
eventually get pissed off enough to WANT to let him have it.
- The glass menagerie: think that they should be able to learn how to
fight without ever falling down, getting bruised or otherwise experiencing
physical discomfort. Never fully commits to a technique, holds back and
typically ends up being one of the first people to experience an injury.
(Usually from not committing to the movement properly)
Solution: time...they either learn or leave.
- The natural: has natural athletic ability which really does help him
or her in the learning of MA. Is frequently lazy, however, since it
doesn't seem that hard to learn. This person frequently gets bored and
ends up leaving without fulfilling their potential.
Solution: find something that challenges them (and make them uke?)
- Eclectic Man. Has done thirty other arts for one class apiece.
Is just killing time until he can create his own martial
art and associated web site (whose address he will repeatedly
post to RMA). Hopes to be inducted to the "World Martial Arts
Hall of Fame" as "Supreme Grandmaster of the Year" before his
Immediate response to any drill is "In Armenian Tae Kung Kara
Aikikenpojujutsu, they do X instead".
Thinks you are jealous because his uniform has more patches on
it than yours does.
Solution: Make him uke. Preferably for "the Whacker" ;-)
- Satori Man. Has read every single book or article ever written on Zen
and martial arts. Owns stock in Shambala. Has never actually
done zazen. Quotes koans at every opportunity. Believes Morihei
Ueshiba was God. Believes Morihei Ueshiba was a Buddhist.
Is fond of expounding about how "X" is not a "real martial art"
because it lacks a "spiritual component"
Solution: Invite your friend Charlie, who has been teaching "X"
for a couple of decades, to the dojo to teach a surprise special
seminar...and thereby acquaint Satori Man with his own spiritual
component by making him uke.
- Variant 1 on Satori Man: all this and has never done any MA training.
Solution: make him stop talking and practice. He'll go away.
I recall one kid who rebelled at being forced to hold the shinai with
a right-handed grip. He'd read Go Rin No Sho and according to him,
Musashi didn't do it that way. He lasted 2 classes.
- Jutsu Man. Flip side of "Satori Man". Believes he is the
reincarnation of Miyamoto Musashi, John L. Sullivan, and Attila the Hun.
Is dismissive of many "-do" forms because they "aren't practical"
have "all that spirituality bullshit", or are "just sports".
Believes women "can't fight for shit".
Solution: Invite a small, female, godan in Judo to teach him the
meaning of the term "kata guruma"...and make him uke.
- The Ogler. The woman who
is so busy oogling at the guys, she's not paying attention to
what you're trying to teach her. In my experience, these are
always beginners. One possible solution is to pair her up with
a guy, ideally one of the guys she's oogling. That way, at
least, I can go off and teach someone else or practice with
someone who wants to train. Another solution is to throw her
quickly and rather than help support the fall, let her weight
drop completely. Doesn't leave quite the same bruises as
punching, but can be pretty punishing all the same. Of course,
*I* would never do this.
- The Drifter: Comes to class once every couple of months. Is
completely clueless about the material currently being studied, but wants
to be promoted to the next belt. solution: Relocate the dojo every once in
a while. (Thats what my Sensei does)
- The Hasbeen: used to practice five or ten years ago, and has now
returned. Thinks he knows just as much as the advanced students that
studied with him then and haven't stopped. Tries very hard to prove he is
just as good as them by using lots of force while doing the techniques.
Solution: pair him up with one of said students.
This is by no means an exhaustive list---but it certainly covers many of
the non-normal "types" I've seen. :)
Stupid Martial Arts
This section taken from the responses on the rec.martial-arts newsgroup.
No posts have been changed other than to make them anonymous.
Oh, there are soooo many.... But this time I'll just go with the time
that I split my gi in front of the class. I tried to keep on doing the
form so the tear just propagated... Mercifully the instructor allowed me
to stop once the parents started smirking.
When I was about 12 I threw a guy in judo randori and his pants came right
off as he when over my shoulder.. I went right into matwork and couldn't
figure out why everyone was laughing. Until I looked up, or down, or I
guess it was sideways. I gave a little yelp which brought the house down.
I was about twice as embarassed as he was.
Ah, so many to choose from. Here's one that was not only embarrassing, but
quite frightening as it happened. . .
A friend and I assisted our Sensei with several demonstrations, and we had
worked out a choreographed "fight" between Bo and Tonfa. I had the Bo. For
a demonstration at a public school, my Sensei gave me his special
competition Bo (I forget why). Shortly after we began the demo, my friend
struck a particularly
strong blow with the Tonfa, and snapped my Bo in half.
Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of Sensei: he did *not*
look happy. The other demonstrators stood there with their mouths hanging
open. This was the frightening part, in case you're wondering. The kids
watching the demo
loved it, of course.
My friend and I had practised this routine endlessly, and managed to
continue, making it look like this was *meant* to happen. I had to
improvise a bit, of
course, but it was working out great. Until I blocked another strike that
snapped the end off one of my mini-Bo's and sent it flying across the
gymnasium. It bounced off the wall beside Sensei.
We pressed on. A few moments later . . . another piece of Bo flew across
the room. Yep, it was from the other half. Luckily, we were near the end
of the routine, so I took my friend to the floor and finished him off by
pummeling him with my remaining pieces of firewood.
I'm so glad that I study a traditional Japanese karate. By bowing really,
really low, I didn't have to look Sensei in the eye as I passed him the
sorry remains of his lovely former-Bo. . .
And then there's the other demonstration in a public shopping mall, when I
hooked my friend's tonfa out of his hand and sent it sailing across the
Food Court and straight towards the glass case of coffee beans in The
Second Cup . . . but that's another story.
Ever been in a demonstration? Most of my bad moments happened in
demonstrations. Early in my training we were doing a demo for a cub
scout group. We were only part of the evening's entertainment (I hate
demos). We came on after the magician and before the "Boom-Bah" band.
For those who do not live in Pennsylvania, a "Boom-Bah" is a kind of
rhythm instrument invented by a demented musician on PCP as revenge
against the uncaring music industry. It is a stick with tambourines,
bells, and cymbols mounted on it, and it is played (mostly) by banging it
against the ground. It is every bit as silly as it sounds. We were
seated on the floor, and there were about 30 of these monstrosities
leaning against the wall behind us. (You are there already, aren't
you?)Right. I demonstrated a form, (nicely, I might add), bowed to the
crowd, returned to my seat, and in sitting down I lost my balance,
knocking over all of the Boom-Bahs. I believe that the noise registered
on seismographs all around the world. Truly one of my very best days.
Doing a staff form in a Chinatown demo several years ago, I slammed the
staff down and watched half of it sail up and over my head and clatter
to the ground somewhere behind me. Flustered and adrenalized, I reached
out and took another staff from a student, whacking him in the face with
the staff as I turned back to the audience. I was so psyched, I didn't
notice as he retreated behind the curtain to find out if his nose was
I was demonstrating kendo kata for a chinese cultural association a
few years ago. We were using steel swords. My partner moved
into waki-gamae, which is the position with the sword held
low and behind you. We were in very tight quarters, so as a
result he stuck the point of the sword into the wall behind him.
There was this slightly puzzled look on his face, then a
visible effort as he yanked the sword out of the wall to
continue the kata.
When I tested for sankyu. I was asked to demonstrate hani-goshi,
and executed a perfect throw tossing my uke right into the center of the
aluminum table being used by the judges and completely demolishing it.
Their response: "Good technique. Poor control." :-)
When I was practicing Kendo, we used to have fights at the end of the
class. Being in the south of France in summer, you can imagine how much we
were sweating under the Men (helmet in Kendo). I too was sweating pretty
hard, and some was running down my nose. .. Of course, no way I could take
the men off, wipe my face and put it back on... so I slipt my lil finger
through the grid and started scratching my face as much as I could... boy,
what a relieve... That's when the sensei called me to fight... Problem
was, by then, my finger was stuck in the grid, so here I am, in the center
of the mat, one hand holding the shinai in a desperate guard, shaking
frenetically the other hand to get this finger unstuck.... The other guy
did not show one ounce of patience and of course *charged*, I got wacked
on the head a couple of time and trust me, I managed to get this damm
finger out of the helmet really fast after that...almost broke it
actually, and was really embarassed when the laughters in the dojo started
to cover the sound of our Kiais...
Working on elbow strikes on a heavy bag, I almost knocked myself out with
the palm of my hand. The worst part wasn't the pain... it was explaining
the busted lip to friends.
I remember when I was sparing with a friend of mine I suddenly did a knife
hand block right out of a form without even thinking. I was so pleased
with my self (or suprised or something) that I just kind of stood there
and grinned and then ate fist.
I would have found it funnier at the time if it didn't hurt so much
At one of my first tournaments I was really pumped about sparring. Got into
the ring, head judge said to begin, I charged in with a beautiful side
the head. Unfortunately I put a little too much into it and instead
entire body off of the ground, landing clean on my left hip and sliding into
my opponent, knocking us both into the head judge and knocking him over as
well. Needless to say I got a stern warning about fighting under control.
Do they do "Cup Checks"? I had a few students who didn't wear a cup,
thinking it was "cool". Needless to say, after scoop-kicking everyone
in the class, they decided "cool" ranked somewhere below breathing
In one of my testings, a couple of my classmates were doing one-step sparring
techniques. One of them accidently (I think) kicked the other soundly in the
groin with a snap kick. The poor fellow just stood up, put his hand up,
turned around, then COLLAPSED. It was the funniest thing I had ever seen
because of the timing...
About a year after receiving my Black belt, I was preparing to
perform Kata in a tournament. When my name was called by the head
judge, I turned around, adjusted my uniform, and ran across the
gymnasium to stand and give my presentation of the kata.
While running, I realized that I had not tied my gi pants tight
enough and as I neared the judges, they began to slowly work their way
down my hips. By the time I reached the head judge, I was forced to
request a moment for adjustment of my uniform as the pants had fallen
down to about mid-thigh. Thankfully, a fellow Black Belt came out to
hold my top up while I retied the pants.
I didn't score too well on the kata due to the judges' eyes being
shut while stifling their laughter. I did redeem myself later in the
day, however, by winning the Kumite Grand Championship.
This happened about a month ago - we had a class which consisted solely
of three black belts and the Instructor. We were lined up so that we
took turns wheel-kicking a pad held by the Instructor. I was at the
back of the line, and the guy in front of me was doing a half-speed
low wheel-kick in the line to try to perfect his technique before he
kicked the pad. He was concentrating so hard that he didn't see where
his foot was headed, and kicked the (female) student in front of him
squarely in the butt. I was laughing so hard, I had to pretend to turn
around and adjust my uniform - fortunately when I turned back, the
Instructor (and the other two students) were cracking up too; he said it was
a really good thing there were no yellow belts there that day to witness it.
About after a week at the school I train at now, I did some light
sparring with another student, a beginner as well though he'd been there
longer than I. We're going along fine, doing basic techniques. I see
him chamber a rear-leg roundhouse...and for some strange reason, I think
he's going for my head, not realizing he doesn't have the flexibility.
So, I ducked...right into the kick, effectively blocking it with my
face. Luckily it was light sparring, and all I did was get my lips
busted. Dopey me.
In a pattern competition, ~2 years ago, I mannaged to punch myself 5
cm abowe my right eye. How this happened - well It's not always easy
to do a upward elbow strike- when your focused on something completly
Well, I managed to finish ..... Last!
I had two brothers (8 and 9 years old) sparring in class, with everyone
else sitting around the ring. The younger one threw a roundhouse kick
to the groin, and we all heard this incredibly loud POP! that echoed in
Broke his own brothers cup. My eyes still water thinking about it.
[Ed. note: OW!]
A few years ago my instructor was demonstrating some hanbo (short staff)
techniques with a fukaro (sp?) shinai. For those of you that don't know, this
type of shinai is very flexible. Anyway, he was showing us a techniques that
involved shifting to one side to avoid a knife strike while making an upwards
strike to the groin. Needless to say, the shinai flexed a little more
thought it would, catching his uke square in the gonads. Everyone laughs
it now, including the gentleman that got nailed, but I can still remember the
surprised look on his face..
I remember once in practice a particularily lanky fellow
managed to kick himself in the groin. I still haven't
figureed out what happened, I was looked away for a
second and then he was on the floor. I imagine that
he threw a knee and his heel went a little high. I
think he was more embarassed than anything else.
My sensei is 62 and just had both knees replaced 6 months ago. He's
really like a new man, and he MOVES again, quickly for a big guy. So one
day, (since I am the senior assistant he demonstrates techniques on me)
he's showing a punch roll (don't ask, it can't be explained in text)
that is followed by a shoulder bar and then a knee to the face.
Well, he's not quite used to the new knees yet and thier actually very
lightweight. So as I'm going down, I feel this WHAM on the right
cheekbone that is LITERALLY like being hit with a hammer. Turns out, his
new knees are titanium and some polymer plastic and HARD AS HELL. Almost
knocked me out.
once, as a mid-level kyu student in karate, i was holding a shinai hori-
zontally for a brown belt to run and leap over. my grip was light, and
as he crossed over, his toe caught the shinai, knocked it free, and as
he began to land, it tumbled into a vertical orientation, whereupon he
proceeded to impale himself in the jewels..|:O..i never knew how deadly
a shinai could be...i always hold with both hands now. he's okay, but
he won't let me forget it..;)
Well, I once did a side kick in sparring when I wasn't very experienced,
so I sort of "hopped" round to twist my hips over, taking the weight off
my feet. Instead of flexing the foot I was kicking with I flexed the
foot I was landing on (now THAT's malcoordination for you) and sprained
I went down on the floor and the sifu started to reprimand my sparring
partner (who was considerably senior to me). Then I had to explain what
had happened. Their laughter haunts me still...
A friend of mine went to a karate tournament and was watching a men's
senior belt kata division. One of the competitors began his kata, which
involved motions done with dynamic tension (I believe the kata was Nisei
shi sho). About five moves into the kata, the competitor just passed
out! He hadn't been breathing properly during his kata and just keeled
over. He was fine after a couple of minutes.
One time I was a bit late rushing to a training session. I ran out into the
garden and quickly grabbed my karategi. I made the class ok...but I managed
to train for 10-15 mins with a white plastic clothes peg attached to the
top-half of my karategi! My sensei - who spotted it- thought it was
hilarious - luckily!
have one for you....During one class, Sensei called one of the senior
students up to help demonstrate the next technique. Now this guy is know
to be...shall we say miserly....so his gi was way past its prime and had
shrunk until it was really too small for him. Sensei starts to
demonstrate the technique which ended in a throw. I am so intent on the
technique that at first I don't really notice anything except what Sensei
is doing. But suddently, I realize that my husband who was sitting next
to me is shaking so hard from laughter that he is about to fall over. I
watched again and realized that the senior student's gi had slipped down
on his hips so far that he was pretty much mooning us every time he was
thrown. Pretty soon, the whole class was basically in tears from trying
to hold in the laughing. I don't really know how Sensei kept a straight
face! Anyway, needless to say, Sensei stongly recommended to him after
class that he purchase a new gi.....
in a bar fight I watched someone apply Ude-osai, god I'm mangling the
spelling today, or your common wrist lock from a lapel grab. I guess the
guys snapped it on good, because when the person droped to his knees to
avoid the lock he actually bouced his head off the floor knocking himself
out. Very neat technique.
I had a student, nick-named himself "Freight Train" Frank. Well, as
most of the younger students liked to do before class, he would do
running kicks to our 200lbs punching bad. One day, as I sat with my
instructor in the studio office, we watched him cross the room, and we
figured what was about to happen.
He ran full speed across the room, put his head down, and proceded to
ram the bag with the top of his head.
The bad swung, the frame it was attached to pulled itself from the
floor, and the whole thing went through the wall into the beauty supply
store next door.
We got bigger bolts for the frame that night.
Oh yeah, Frank was fine. Just stood there and almost soiled his Gi,
with the damage he caused and all.
A few eons back, we were practising the first kendo kata. The attacker
cuts men (the top of the head) and the defender steps back, avoiding the
cut, which swishes almost to the floor. I was defending, and I jumped
back more than stepped. A certain sensitive part of my anatomy swung up
as my opponent's sword came down. The downswing met the upswing, so to
speak, and I was on the floor.
Luckily, we were using shinai. This ties in to the underwear thread,
because ever since then I've worn briefs under my hakama to prevent
another painful incident.
The stupidest accident I've had was when I was a red belt in Taekwondo.
I had seen a 2nd dan black belt hold a pine board in his left hand and
neat as you please, he broke it in half with a right hand shuto.
One day while practicing alone I decided to see if I could do the same
thing. I was completely successful, but the top half of the board came
off and flew right up and smacked me between the eyes, opening a fair
sized gash, and leaving me with a nice goose egg. To add insult to
injury, both of my eyes were blackened.
This reminds me of something in class I'd forgotten about. A small
third dan (maybe he was a second dan then) was going to do a jumping
roundhouse kick to a board held at head height of a tall second dan.
The kicker tried once and kicked an inch or two too high on the board.
He tried again and this time kicked an inch or two too low. Finally he
jumped again, kicked right in the center and- the middle piece of the
board went flat back against the holder's nose while he was left still
holding the top and bottom pieces! "Punch out at the perforation!"
One of my instructors once, during a 'anything can and will happen' talk,
told us about a particular grappling match in which he went twice
attempted a cross body arm bar (jugi gatame?). The first time the sweat
on the guys armmade him lose his grip as he was thrusting his feet into
position and he went flying back about 8 feet or so. Later in the match
he had the same opportunity, grabbed the arm and pulled, lost his grip and
proceed to drive his finger up his own nose - which promptly began to
gush blood everywhere.
We were doing a show for the Ontario Winter Games a few years ago. The
opening ceremonies was being broadcast live on local television stations.
One of our BBs was doing a break of two concrete slabs with his head.
Unfortuantely, instead of htting with his forehead he hit with his face.
He broke his nose and began to bleed all over the stage as the cameras did
a close-up. Gotta love live TV :->
I did something similar, I'm sorry to say. While still a white belt, I
was throwing my (male) partner with ouchi gari (major inner reaping
throw), but lost my balance while sweeping his leg. He fell on his back,
legs spread, and _I_ fell forward between them, landing on his cup with
my knee... you bet it cracked! The poor guy said he saw his life flash
before his eyes. He was a good sport about the accident though (once the
pain wore off), and proudly showed his cracked cup to people for about a
month afterwards. My nickname for about a year in the dojo was "The
I've witnessed a woman break her own nose with a front kick above her
head during a demo at a seminar.
I almost wet my pants I was laughing so hard.
Afterwards I heard her tell her instructor, "You didn't say _that_
The stupidest move ever performed in a tournament
I was an orange belt at the time and had won quite a few tournaments. As
a result, my ego was inflated much more than it should have been.
I was fighting this guy frm Northern Karate in Toronto who was able to
read people better than anybody I had every seen. He could predict the
moves of someone so well that he had ample time to perform any block or
whatever, the guy was phenomenal.
Anyways, I was fighting in the final match against him and was down 2-0
(fights go to 3). I knew that I had no chance to best this guy, basics
were not working so I decided to try something that had worked quite well
in the dojo.
I got some distance between us and performed a front roll, intending to
come up into a jumping side kick (hey, it worked the one other time I
tried it). Unfortunately, the guy did not step back but side stepped and
placed his foot in my chest as I was starting to come up out of my roll.
There I was back flat on the floor, foot in chest, and the guy grinning at
me. I felt like a fool. What was worse is there was a girl from
Northern, video taping the match.
After that match I disappeared REAL quick.
You know, have not tried that since.
I was competing at a karate tournament last summer; for the first time
my girlfriend, who is fairly apathetic about my budo madness, came along
to videotape my matches. I really wanted to impress her so I had trained
my ass off. When it came time to fight, I came up against one of these
incredibly irritating asses who fights with his leg cocked up, jumping
around on one foot. He was quick though, and caught me with his mae-geri
front kick twice. Knocked me on my ass because my fighting stance at
that time was very square and aggressive. Needless to say, I lost the
match because my shots were deemed excessive contact (joke!). Sitting up
in the bleachers, I was hoping that the guy would go on to win so that I
didn't look like I was eliminated by some nobody. Up there, sitting
beside Ange, I watched only half-interested until buddy came up. As we
watched, he attacked with a penetrating front kick. The opponent side
stepped and buddy went sprawling to the floor, hit his head on the
floor, and knocked himself out. I got eliminated by someone who knocked
himself out. As we walked out of there, the only thing more injured than
his bald head was my rapidly deflating ego.
This one reminds of a student in our dojo. He was a yellow or oragne belt
(don't remember) he had pick up a 3-sectional staff somewhere and was
trying to figure out how to swing it. Nobbody in the dojo really knew how
to use them very well so he was experimenting on his own in the middle of
Anyways, as he was swinging it on section swung up and struck him in the
back of the head, knocking him out. After we brought him back to
consciousness and dtermined that he was ok we left. Not 10 minutes later
there he was again, face flat on the floor. He had knocked himself out
again with the staff. Twice, in less than 30 minutes. This time we took
him to the hospital tocheck for a concussion, luckily he did not have one.
It was after class at night in the parking lot and I was playing with
a heavy five foot staff, making passes over my head and behind my back
as I turned in front of my friends.On end of the staff caught the
ground as I was twirling away and it messed up my rotation but the
speed of the staff caused it bounce up to meet my face in a lovely
It was sort of dark but The blood spray hit one of my buddys about six
feet away . Well they stiched my lip back to my face , about a half
inch was hanging down in front of my mouth.
That was a long night , ten stiches in my lip , lucky I have always
worn a mustache, hides the scar real good
I was doing a drill with one of the girls in my class where you were
supposed to inside crescent kick a target hand of your partener. anyway,
i don't know what the hell she was thinking but her 'arc' for the
crescent ended up straight up between my legs...needless to say i
collapsed in a big heap and didn't move for a little while.
Yes, an amazing amount of those ended up with people being
nailed in the groin. Well, it's funny if it happens to someone else...
Kinda like standing in class watching someone else get mangled in a lock, and
laughing and groaning at the same time while watching them grimace in
Ghostwheel's Top Ten Signs you're in a McDojo
- 10. Your instructor has a Grandmasters Certificate. In Crayon.
- 9. The Senior Assistant Instructor is a 4 year old black belt.
- 8. The sign in the window says the school trains in more than
10 martial arts.
- 7. Its a Korean art.
[Ed. Note: HEY!!]
- 6. Your instructor tries to sell you Amway products.
- 5. While examining the schools tournament trophies, you find
3 for spelling bees.
- 4. Reading the contract for the school is considered a kata
(and a long one at that).
- 3. No one sweats.
- 2. While at a tournament, your opponent finds out who your
teacher is and high-fives his teacher.
- 1. When paying for your belt examinations, the instructor asks: "Do you want fries with that?"
The Top 13 Signs You've Joined the
Wrong Martial Arts School
- 13. Your dojo's symbol is a bullseye target.
- 12. First demonstration consists of falling to the floor, curling
into the fetal position, and whimpering pitifully.
- 11. Frequent pauses while instructor tearfully stops to right his
spilled pocket protector.
- 10. The "gis" are used hospital gowns, and the "throwing stars" are just slices of old cheese.
- 9. The homework is always just to watch a Jackie Chan movie.
- 8. The techniques are only effective if your attacker is one of
the Three Stooges.
- 7. Instructor's low fees enhanced by take from one-on-one "pop
quizzes" in dark alleys.
- 6. Benihana has a restraining order against your instructor.
- 5. Local muggers gather in the parking lot waiting for class to
- 4. Current students bark out on cue the phrase "Insurance does
not exist in this dojo!"
- 3. You take yourself to the mat 4 out of 5 times simply trying
to tie your belt on.
- 2. Sensei's "ancient Chinese secret" required notifying the
neighbors when he moved in.
...and the Number 1 Sign You've
Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School...
- 1. Did Confucius ever really say he was "going to open up a
can of whoop-ass" on someone?
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
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Newbie Guide to Martial Arts Doublespeak
When People Say...
They Really Mean...
|Japanese martial arts are the best.
||I practice a Japanese martial art.
|This art is thousands of years old.
||This style is decades old.
|The martial arts are about building better people.
||The martial arts are about sweat, blood, and money.
|Chinese martial arts are the best.
||I practice a Chinese martial art.
|High kicks are stupid.
||I can't do high kicks.
|Sparring is extremely important.
||I'm good at fighting and I like it and I can't do much of anything else.
|The martial arts are about building better people.
||The martial arts are about beating people up if they lay a finger on you.
|Korean martial arts are the best.
||I practice a Korean martial art.
|Breaking techniques are very important.
||We do a lot of breaking techniques.
|I don't believe in grades.
||Nobody ever gave me a high grade.
|The martial arts are about building better evolved characters.
|Filipino martial arts are the best.
||I practice a Filipino martial art.
|Sophisticated arts like Aikido and Tai Chi are far superiod.
||Sparring frightens me.
|He's a good martial arts teacher.
||He's in my organization.
|He's a lousy martial arts teacher.
||He used to be in my organization but he broke away and now I don't get any money from him anymore.
|My style is the best.
||I don't know anything about any other styles.
|Grades are not important.
||There is a grading coming up, and it's important.
|Breaking techniques are useless.
||I can't do breaiking technqiues.
|I'm an innovative, free-thinking modern Western martial arts teacher, doing my own non-classical thing.
||I'm more interested in teaching than learning; and the Orientals ignore me because they know how ignorant I am.
|Martial arts politics are the necessary results of official recognition by respectable associations to protect the public.
||I belong to a large, well-established organization.
|I hate martial arts politics.
||None of the large, well-established organizations recognize me or have the slightest interest in my existence.
|In this system, we make the art fit the person.
||In this system, we make the person fit the art.
|Competitions are a waste of time.
||I never won any competitions.
|Forms or kata are the highest expression of the inner essence of the martial arts.
||I read that somewhere--and I've had enough of tournaments.
|Forms or kata are useless.
||Bruce Lee said forms are useless and this relieves me of a lot of effort, so go argue with him.
|One style is not better than another--it's the individual that counts.
||Don't go to another school--it's the style we teach here that counts.
|The techniques aren't important.
||The techniques are important.
|The principles are important.
||I wouldn't know what else to do with the principles so it's the techniques that are important.
|Bruce Lee didn't know what he was talking about.
||I don't know what Bruce Lee was talking about.
|Size and strength are not important.
||Size and strength are important, especially if you're fighting somebody who's bigger and stronger than you are.
|Science and leverage will always win out over brute force.
||Except when he's bigger and stronger than you are.
|The purpose of the martial arts is spiritual development and liberation from the ego.
||I'm so humble and wise, it's terrific.
This is really funny---but it's scary how many of these
you hear from people, with the meanings like those above.
You Know You've Been In the Martial Arts Too Long
I counted off how many of these I do----I'm embarrassed
to admit to 21 of them.
- You say to the salesman in the men's store, "Nice pants,
but I don't think I can kick in them."
- When you want to say "I'm sorry" and involuntarily bow.
- You go to the shoe store to try on shoes --Instead of walking or jogging around the store, you practice
pivoting, sweeps, stances and kicks, you check to see if the shoe has a sufficiently hard striking
surface and whether it protects the toes well, and lastly, you don't even care if (and they probably are) the
other patrons are looking at you funny. (That's the big clue)
- Now when every time you pass a wall you start to wonder:'Is that
structural or drywall?' THEN you know you've gone overboard.
- When you hit your head on a low doorway or ceiling and kick
it in anger and _damage_ it.
- "GAK! NO! The *left* side of the bathrobe goes on top...."
- "What was I doing in my office when I was spinning around
and flailing my arms and legs? Ahhhhhmmmmmmm....."
- When you're practicing your arm blocks while driving down
the highway, notice someone in another car staring at you,
and suddenly turn your block into vigorously fanning away an
- When you use various strikes to turn lights off and on;
- Don your clothing with kicks, thrusts, and punches
- Open and close doors with spinning kicks
- Find yourself idly doing iaido and kenjitsu moves with the
plastic knives at the fast food place
- Can't walk by anybody else from your school without
casually exchanging a flurry of mock strikes and kicks
- Haven't gotten over the phase of seeing everybody walking
around with a blanket of little red cross-hairs on all their vital
- Leap to your feet and shriek with indignation while watching "Kung Fu", "Walker, Texas Ranger", and "Highlander" at home
- Deliberately go to see martial arts movies in the theater so you
can leap to your feet and shriek with indignation during the movie,
out in the parking lot, and with all your friends the next time you're
- Find yourself practicing bo staff techniques in miniature with your
pencil during dull meetings
- Try to backfist the correct floor button on the inside of the elevator,
based on your memory of the button's location, before you get in
far enough to see it
- Notice you never stand with your arms crossed or your hands
in your pockets
- Tend to keep at least one flavour of martial arts weapon close
at hand by your bed when you sleep
- Buy shoes either because they're particularly flexible or have
- Have at least one fantasy where you are a martial arts hero and
end the fight by saying something *so* cool that you make
Arnold Shwarzenegger and Clint Eastwood look like nervous
- Have begun to master the reflex to commit a very messy homicide
when, directly after someone finds out you practice martial arts,
they immediately ask "Are you a Black Belt ???"
- Urge to bow every time I enter or leave a room? Uh, not anymore,
- I used to accidentally call one of my favorite professors 'sensei'
with fair regularity, and I don't think I'll ever stop saying 'hai!'
instead of 'yes!'.
- When standing in line you find yourself practicing some stance
from your art
- When you bow going into and out of the bathroom
- When you don't use any tools while splitting firewood.
- When you are introduced to someone and you bow to greet them.
- Whenever you see some wood or concrete, even things like stools or
tables, and get excited while you picture just how you would go about
breaking it. Then you get funny looks as you feel it and give it a
look of hard concentration, then maybe measure off a few times.
Some Martial Arts Definitions...
These are meant in fun, so don't take offense. And they ARE
VARIOUS QUOTES FROM PEOPLE:
* Kempo: Percussion class with people as the drums
* Aikido: Origami with people
* Jiu-jitsu: people who fold your laundry for you----while you are
still wearing it.
* Tai Chi: martial art overdosed on valium...
* The idea of Taiji is to yield to your opponent's attack.... in
most cases the yielding seems to be so pronounced that the idea must be
to play on the opponent's pity. :^)
* Someone once told me my Tai Chi would only be useful in fighting
* I once described Tai Chi to my fellow classmates as being just
like standing still, only faster.
Minor Martial Arts Dictionary
A martial art which allows you to defeat your enemy
without hurting him. Unless of course his does not know
how to ukemi in which case he has his wrist broken in
about 20 places.
"Harness of the hand." A Filpino martial art, also known as
eskrima and kali, centering around stick, blade and empty hand
combat. Mispronanciation of the art guarantees a quick taste.
A stick that looks like a sword.
A religious doctrine and a marketing tool to populate asia
with statues of short fat bald men.
A biophysical energy generated through breathing techniques,
which in defying the laws of physics and the basic scientific
common sense, allows the user to develop super human
A term used in the Japanese martial arts for anyone who has
achieved the rank of at least first-degree black belt.
The sound uttered when the wearer of a Dan realizes that
they will now get hit harder and more frequently during
"The place of the way." A training hall or gymnasium.
Very similar to a B & D parlor but without the mistress.
A skirt sometimes worn in the Martial Arts but we don't
really like to talk about it.
"Way of the sword." The modern art of drawing the
samurai sword from its scabbard. A rather interesting
art developed around the principle of "look how big
"Gentle way." A Japanese art where grown men roll around
cuddling each other without apparently doing any damage.
These men are often closet Hakama wearers.
A lot like judo except that these boys like to inflict slightly
more damage. Tend to get very angry when accused of being
Hakama wearers and often are heard saying "You gotta a big
"Empty hand" or "China hand." The primary purpose of
this art is the destruction of wood and other natural
products. Most Karate styles have a placing on Green Peace's
most wanted list. This art will be outlawed by most countries
by the turn of the century. Karate people enjoy pain, this is
shown by their habit of fighting with their fists on their hips.
A series of prearranged maneuvers practiced in many of the
Oriental martial arts in order to avoid free sparring or anything
else that may involve pain.
A sharp metal stick.
A strange and unusual past-time involving hitting each other
with sticks and making in-human sounds. Could be a cult ??
- Kuk Sool Won:
A combination of Kata, Karate, Tae Kwon Do, Zen, Jujitsu and Master
definitions but of course the tapes for Kuk Sool Won are much more
- Kung fu:
A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts.
Many of these arts involve the emulation of animals.
Many students of Pray Mantis spend years attempting to
obtain the other 4 legs while students of Monkey Kung-fu
tend to find themselves being carted off by men in white
A title bestowed on a martial artist who has attained
advanced rank after long years of study or has started
his own style after achieving kyu grades in at least
4 arts, or has completed the "Become a Master
by Video" course available for only 19.95 per month.
A stick with a sharp bit on the end.
A rather confused individual who likes sneaking around
at night in his pajamas.
The art of being confused and sneaking around in your
Bashing each other senseless in the hope that nobody realizes
that you don't know any kata or techniques.
- Tae kwon do:
An unusual martial art that relies on its followers to have the
flexibility of a professional ballet dancer.
- Tai chi chuan:
Another unusual art that promises ultimate power from moving
very slowly for many years. The drawback being that by
the time you develop the ultimate power you are close to death
"Straw mat." A mat usually measuring three by six feet and three
inches thick (with bound straw inside.) Original purpose to
prevent blood stains on the wooden floor.
- Three sectional staff:
Three sticks linked together.
The discipline of enlightenment related to the Buddhist doctrine that
emphasizes meditation, discipline, and the direct transmission of
teachings from master to student. Mostly taught by rather old
and confused monks who have had one too many rocks fall on
their heads during waterfall meditation. Works best when sitting
in a cave facing a wall for 10 years or so.
Top Ten Reasons for Studying the Martial Arts
By Danny Abramovitch
10) Broken masonry makes great drainage for potted plants.
9) Get beaten up by people half your size and twice your age.
8) Never run out of kindling wood again.
7) No need to wonder what belt to wear.
6) Get to be on first name basis with the Emergency Room staff.
5) These uniforms make nice pajamas.
4) Never need to wonder why it's hard to get up in the morning.
3) Get to appreciate the finer points of Chuck Norris' acting.
2) Learn to count to 10 in 3 different Asian languages.
And the top reason for studying martial arts:
1) (Tie) Get to star in Ginsu commercials. /
Three words: free nose job.
You Know You're Hooked on Karate When...
By De Stewart
Do you wake up Saturday mornings stiff and sore? Is another night like
Friday night the only
thing that will make you feel better? Do you workout alone? Do you find
that once you've thrown
a jab, you can't stop until you've followed it with a reverse punch? If
so, you may be (gasp!!) HOOKED ON KARATE. How do you know? Here are a few clues.
Well, how did you score? Does any of these situations sound familiar?
If so, it's hopeless -
you're hooked. The only option now is to join CKA, Compulsive Karatekas
fret though. I'm sure you'll find plenty of familiar faces. See you
- You know you're hooked when the first word out of your parrot's mouth
is KIAI!, and you
teach your cat how to free spar.
- You know you're hooked when you have more bruises than a roller derby
queen, and you
still go back for more.
- You know you're hooked when you shut the refrigerator door with a
side thrust kick.
- You know you're hooked when you shop for clothes based on whether you
can kick in
- You know you're hooked when the only clothes you'll wear are gis.
- You know you're hooked when you actually crave a beach workout.
- You know you're hooked when the books on your night stand are by
authors like Gichin
Funakoshi, Hirokazu Kanazawa and Musashi Miyamoto.
- You know you're hooked when the Twelve Days of Christmas becomes: one
boxing bag, two
boxing gloves, three shin pads (includes an extra pad for the one you'll
inevitably lose), four
Tokaido gi's, five rolls of adhesive tape....twelve cases of Tiger Balm.
- You know you're hooked when you look for a place to live based on the
amount of practice
space it provides.
- You know you're hooked when you refuse to wear shoes.
Iron Crotch Kung Fu
Someone write this to me, and you can see what my response was. The
scary part of the following is that what he wrote to me is true, and used
to be practiced.
I don't know if you've heard of this but here goes.
Iron Crotch Kung Fu ( I swear I heard this on TV during a demonstration
of Kung Fu)
Find a large heavy rock
- Place rock on a near by wall
- Tie a leather thong (rope) securely around the rock
- Tie the other end of the rope around your scrotum
- Assume a horse riding stance and walk backwards pulling the rock
off the wall and let swing
The scary thing here is that this is a true thing---this sort of thing
used to be one of the "tests" given by the Shaolin priests to gauge your
Personally, I think what it REALLY was had to do with the fact that the
older priests were tired of having to deal with the high testosterone
levels of the younger initiates, so they devised this "test". After doing
that a couple of times, testosterone is something your body simply won't
produce anymore. Ta-da! Instant serene monk, without that pesky
testosterone-based macho attitude.
It's supposed to show your would-be attacker that you are impervious to
pain. This is definately the case but I'm not sure how practical this
would be in a fight. It also shows your attacker you are as thick as a
Strong, tough---and not much for brains. :)
Other Humorous Martial Arts Links
Martial Humor from JudoInfo.com
Martial Arts Humor
If you've got any more martial arts humor, MAIL it to us. I can't guarantee that
we'll add it, but weI'll certainly consider it!
Note: if mailing us something, and it seems like someone would care if
it's cited, make sure to let us know who wrote it!
Copyright, 1998. Nebraska Hapkido Association, J. Thomas