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Martial Arts Humor


This page has several parts, many of which came from postings and discussion from the rec.martial-arts newgroup.


Sections O' the Page:

Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See
Stupid martial arts accidents
Ghostwheel's Top Ten Signs you're at a McDojo
Top 13 Signs You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School
Martial Arts Doublespeak
You Know You've Been in the Martial Arts Too Long When...
Some Martial Arts Definitions
Top Ten Reasons for Studying Martial Arts
You know you're Hooked on Karate When...
Iron Crotch Kung Fu
Other Humorous Martial Arts Links

ENJOY!


Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

This section taken from a hilarious thread in rec.martial-arts.moderated. You will note some of the student descriptions are similar----I found it funny that I recognized every single one of the "students"---and so I didn't want to drop any of the variations.
  1. Question Lad (aka. What-If?): This guy will bring up every possible permutation for every drill that is being worked. Solution: Make him uki.

  2. Captain Slacker: Dogs the drills and sucks away the stunning dynamic experience that occurs during every class. ;-) Solution: Make him uki.

  3. The Interpreter: Seems to believe that explanations must be altered to so that the masses can understand them. Even when the masses are already doing the drill. Solution: Make him uki.

  4. The Whacker. Selflessly and altruistically strives to make each partner drill ultra-"realistic", for his partner's learning benefit. Leaves a wake of bruises, black eyes, and sprains behind him until he tries it on the wrong person. Solution: trade partners frequently, the right one will come along soon.

  5. The Silver Spoon. Has a unique blind spot that prevents him from seeing anything that needs doing around the dojo. This blind spot is so wide that he can't see an entire dojo floor full of other students with rags cleaning up. Solution: hand him a rag. Or make him uke. Gis make great cleaning rags, with or without a person in them.

  6. The Assistant Insructor. Possessed of a truly amazing learning curve, this specimen has absorbed enough knowledge in six months' study to be able to offer a flawless critique of others' practice. Undeterred by the presence of actual knowledge and experience. Solution: have him do heian shodan. As my sensei told me, "Nobody knows more about karate than a green belt. If you don't believe it, just ask him"

  7. The Vince Lombardi Wannabe: Believes only that a good offense is the best defense. Constantly attacks training partners at full speed to demonstrate this philosophy, leaving confused and disgruntled students in his wake. Solution: He/she feeds the instructor next time.

  8. The Whiner. Common source of "but that huuuuurts!" "I think I need to sit out for a moment," and "that's too hard!" during simple basic partner drills, including all light sparring. Solution: Take two Tylenol and put them back in. They'll either gain a little intestinal fortitude or they'll quit. (Note: the Tylenol is for YOU, not them.) (Note 2: I'm not talking real injury here----I mean the whimpering little whining that happens when someone gets an arm bar put on, so that the pressure on the arm "hurts my arm muscle." Things like that. People who simply canNOT get through an entire class without at least 2 brief class pauses while the instructor checks if the person is really hurt, or just whining yet _again_.) (And yes, I've got one of these. Arg.)

  9. The Toughman. Can take ANY technique, and "tough it out" according to him (it is almost always a him) Pressure points don't work (according to him), locks are something he can handle (according to him), and getting thrown/landed on/smashed/crushed/mangled is something where he can "take the pain, suck it up, and shrug it off." No matter what. Solution: make him uki MORE.

  10. The Cross-trainer. "White belt, you need to adjust your stance this way." "But sir, this is the way we did it in the last tkd/karate/aikido/judo/whatever class I was in. And I've noted you don't do [such and such] technique 'correctly' ---in my last class, the teacher said it was stupid to do it the way you do." Teacher: "Arg. Can I simply kill you now?" Solution: Manage to not show Little Grasshopper why you "do it that way," and simple explain that different classes do it different ways----and in THIS class, we do it MY way.

  11. The Primal Male. Women simply canNOT do techniques that would be effective against this man because, after all, they are women. Smaller, weaker, etc... Solution: Have the smallest high ranking female in class use The Primal Male as demonstration person for joint locks and throws. In front of the new students. (This person is common in many college programs, BTW.)

  12. The Mouth. Has the amazing ability to continue talking while you are standing in front of him stating that he should shut up. (If you're lucky, this only occurs in children's classes.) Solution: His partner gets 10 pushups everytime he opens his mouth.

  13. The Clueless: He's constantly doing stuff wrong. Even the simplest explanations bring a glazed look to his eye as he continues to be unable to improve. Solution: Can't think of a single one. [Ed. Note: Baseball bat. Hey, it is theraputic for the teacher.]

  14. The macho newbie: He's big, he's strong, and he knows it. Furthermore, there's no woman in the whole dojo that he couldn't knock out with his fabulous punch, and he's going to make sure that everyone knows it. Solution: Kick him in the groin. ;) (OK, so you can't really do that if you're the instructor, but you can tell the other students to do it!)

  15. The macho old-timer: He's big, he's strong, and he's been doing this a long time. Ain't no one in the place that better *ever* beat him at a drill, or they will pay the concequences. Solution: Kick him in the groin (Hey, Don got to use solutions over! ;), and then quickly move on to the next partner.

  16. The "in my previous dojo"'er: Need I say more? :) Solution: send him on to his next dojo.

  17. Ninja Bob: is pretty sure that he is training to become a covert agent, and wants constant reassurance of the deadlyness of his/her endeavors.

  18. Every sifu's best friend: wants to be your 'best' student, but unfortunately can't deal with training in the group. It's not his fault really, but he's a kick ass private student at the no contact level. (you guys can call this "The Maurice" if you want)

  19. Mr. Agreeable: Yes, he understands. Yes, the drill makes sense, sure. Sure, keep it slow, watch the contact. (smile, nod) Oh, like that, right. ...Proceeds (as soon as your back is turned) to, in dazed confusion, invent his own damn drill, thank you very much, fast, out of control, and not at all similar to the original.

  20. Ms. I'm-tough-'cuz-I-do-karate. She likes to think she's tough, but anytime someone makes even a little bit of contact, she's going to complain to anyone that will listen. This is to be contrasted with the women who *are* there to train, and say nothing about the multiple bruises they take home every night from the macho-newbie and the macho-old-timer. Solution: Hit her really hard and tell her to stop being such a wuss when she complains. The phrase "It's karate/judo/etc., it's supposed to hurt a little bit" should be used often. Solution: every single time, without exception, pair Ms. Selfdefense with #4, The Whacker. This will necessitate her learning to "whack" back.

  21. Ms. Self-Defense. She's read too many RMA threads, and truely believes that her intelligence will get her out of any struggle she may encounter. And if her intelligence doesn't work, then her legs will, because after all, women's legs are stronger than men's. Solution: Put her one on one with one of the smaller guys, and tell her to defend herself. 19 times out of 20, she'll find that her legs and her intelligence don't matter too awefully much. Every single time, without exception, pair Ms. I'm-tough-'cuz-I- do-karate with #9, the macho newbie. She will probably eventually get pissed off enough to WANT to let him have it.

  22. The glass menagerie: think that they should be able to learn how to fight without ever falling down, getting bruised or otherwise experiencing physical discomfort. Never fully commits to a technique, holds back and typically ends up being one of the first people to experience an injury. (Usually from not committing to the movement properly) Solution: time...they either learn or leave.

  23. The natural: has natural athletic ability which really does help him or her in the learning of MA. Is frequently lazy, however, since it doesn't seem that hard to learn. This person frequently gets bored and ends up leaving without fulfilling their potential. Solution: find something that challenges them (and make them uke?)

  24. Eclectic Man. Has done thirty other arts for one class apiece. Is just killing time until he can create his own martial art and associated web site (whose address he will repeatedly post to RMA). Hopes to be inducted to the "World Martial Arts Hall of Fame" as "Supreme Grandmaster of the Year" before his 23rd birthday. Immediate response to any drill is "In Armenian Tae Kung Kara Aikikenpojujutsu, they do X instead". Thinks you are jealous because his uniform has more patches on it than yours does. Solution: Make him uke. Preferably for "the Whacker" ;-)

  25. Satori Man. Has read every single book or article ever written on Zen and martial arts. Owns stock in Shambala. Has never actually done zazen. Quotes koans at every opportunity. Believes Morihei Ueshiba was God. Believes Morihei Ueshiba was a Buddhist. Is fond of expounding about how "X" is not a "real martial art" because it lacks a "spiritual component" Solution: Invite your friend Charlie, who has been teaching "X" for a couple of decades, to the dojo to teach a surprise special seminar...and thereby acquaint Satori Man with his own spiritual component by making him uke.

  26. Variant 1 on Satori Man: all this and has never done any MA training. Solution: make him stop talking and practice. He'll go away. I recall one kid who rebelled at being forced to hold the shinai with a right-handed grip. He'd read Go Rin No Sho and according to him, Musashi didn't do it that way. He lasted 2 classes.

  27. Jutsu Man. Flip side of "Satori Man". Believes he is the reincarnation of Miyamoto Musashi, John L. Sullivan, and Attila the Hun. Is dismissive of many "-do" forms because they "aren't practical" have "all that spirituality bullshit", or are "just sports". Believes women "can't fight for shit". Solution: Invite a small, female, godan in Judo to teach him the meaning of the term "kata guruma"...and make him uke.

  28. The Ogler. The woman who is so busy oogling at the guys, she's not paying attention to what you're trying to teach her. In my experience, these are always beginners. One possible solution is to pair her up with a guy, ideally one of the guys she's oogling. That way, at least, I can go off and teach someone else or practice with someone who wants to train. Another solution is to throw her quickly and rather than help support the fall, let her weight drop completely. Doesn't leave quite the same bruises as punching, but can be pretty punishing all the same. Of course, *I* would never do this.

  29. The Drifter: Comes to class once every couple of months. Is completely clueless about the material currently being studied, but wants to be promoted to the next belt. solution: Relocate the dojo every once in a while. (Thats what my Sensei does)

  30. The Hasbeen: used to practice five or ten years ago, and has now returned. Thinks he knows just as much as the advanced students that studied with him then and haven't stopped. Tries very hard to prove he is just as good as them by using lots of force while doing the techniques. Solution: pair him up with one of said students.


This is by no means an exhaustive list---but it certainly covers many of the non-normal "types" I've seen. :)


Stupid Martial Arts Accidents/Embarrassing Moments

This section taken from the responses on the rec.martial-arts newsgroup. No posts have been changed other than to make them anonymous.


Oh, there are soooo many.... But this time I'll just go with the time that I split my gi in front of the class. I tried to keep on doing the form so the tear just propagated... Mercifully the instructor allowed me to stop once the parents started smirking.
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When I was about 12 I threw a guy in judo randori and his pants came right off as he when over my shoulder.. I went right into matwork and couldn't figure out why everyone was laughing. Until I looked up, or down, or I guess it was sideways. I gave a little yelp which brought the house down. I was about twice as embarassed as he was.
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Ah, so many to choose from. Here's one that was not only embarrassing, but quite frightening as it happened. . .

A friend and I assisted our Sensei with several demonstrations, and we had worked out a choreographed "fight" between Bo and Tonfa. I had the Bo. For a demonstration at a public school, my Sensei gave me his special competition Bo (I forget why). Shortly after we began the demo, my friend struck a particularly strong blow with the Tonfa, and snapped my Bo in half.

Uh-oh.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of Sensei: he did *not* look happy. The other demonstrators stood there with their mouths hanging open. This was the frightening part, in case you're wondering. The kids watching the demo loved it, of course.

My friend and I had practised this routine endlessly, and managed to continue, making it look like this was *meant* to happen. I had to improvise a bit, of course, but it was working out great. Until I blocked another strike that snapped the end off one of my mini-Bo's and sent it flying across the gymnasium. It bounced off the wall beside Sensei.

Uuuh-oh.

We pressed on. A few moments later . . . another piece of Bo flew across the room. Yep, it was from the other half. Luckily, we were near the end of the routine, so I took my friend to the floor and finished him off by pummeling him with my remaining pieces of firewood.

I'm so glad that I study a traditional Japanese karate. By bowing really, really low, I didn't have to look Sensei in the eye as I passed him the sorry remains of his lovely former-Bo. . .

And then there's the other demonstration in a public shopping mall, when I hooked my friend's tonfa out of his hand and sent it sailing across the Food Court and straight towards the glass case of coffee beans in The Second Cup . . . but that's another story.

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Ever been in a demonstration? Most of my bad moments happened in demonstrations. Early in my training we were doing a demo for a cub scout group. We were only part of the evening's entertainment (I hate demos). We came on after the magician and before the "Boom-Bah" band. For those who do not live in Pennsylvania, a "Boom-Bah" is a kind of rhythm instrument invented by a demented musician on PCP as revenge against the uncaring music industry. It is a stick with tambourines, bells, and cymbols mounted on it, and it is played (mostly) by banging it against the ground. It is every bit as silly as it sounds. We were seated on the floor, and there were about 30 of these monstrosities leaning against the wall behind us. (You are there already, aren't you?)Right. I demonstrated a form, (nicely, I might add), bowed to the crowd, returned to my seat, and in sitting down I lost my balance, knocking over all of the Boom-Bahs. I believe that the noise registered on seismographs all around the world. Truly one of my very best days.
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Doing a staff form in a Chinatown demo several years ago, I slammed the staff down and watched half of it sail up and over my head and clatter to the ground somewhere behind me. Flustered and adrenalized, I reached out and took another staff from a student, whacking him in the face with the staff as I turned back to the audience. I was so psyched, I didn't notice as he retreated behind the curtain to find out if his nose was broken.
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I was demonstrating kendo kata for a chinese cultural association a few years ago. We were using steel swords. My partner moved into waki-gamae, which is the position with the sword held low and behind you. We were in very tight quarters, so as a result he stuck the point of the sword into the wall behind him. There was this slightly puzzled look on his face, then a visible effort as he yanked the sword out of the wall to continue the kata.
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When I tested for sankyu. I was asked to demonstrate hani-goshi, and executed a perfect throw tossing my uke right into the center of the aluminum table being used by the judges and completely demolishing it.

Their response: "Good technique. Poor control." :-)

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When I was practicing Kendo, we used to have fights at the end of the class. Being in the south of France in summer, you can imagine how much we were sweating under the Men (helmet in Kendo). I too was sweating pretty hard, and some was running down my nose. .. Of course, no way I could take the men off, wipe my face and put it back on... so I slipt my lil finger through the grid and started scratching my face as much as I could... boy, what a relieve... That's when the sensei called me to fight... Problem was, by then, my finger was stuck in the grid, so here I am, in the center of the mat, one hand holding the shinai in a desperate guard, shaking frenetically the other hand to get this finger unstuck.... The other guy did not show one ounce of patience and of course *charged*, I got wacked on the head a couple of time and trust me, I managed to get this damm finger out of the helmet really fast after that...almost broke it actually, and was really embarassed when the laughters in the dojo started to cover the sound of our Kiais...
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Working on elbow strikes on a heavy bag, I almost knocked myself out with the palm of my hand. The worst part wasn't the pain... it was explaining the busted lip to friends.
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I remember when I was sparing with a friend of mine I suddenly did a knife hand block right out of a form without even thinking. I was so pleased with my self (or suprised or something) that I just kind of stood there and grinned and then ate fist. I would have found it funnier at the time if it didn't hurt so much
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At one of my first tournaments I was really pumped about sparring. Got into the ring, head judge said to begin, I charged in with a beautiful side kick to the head. Unfortunately I put a little too much into it and instead lifted my entire body off of the ground, landing clean on my left hip and sliding into my opponent, knocking us both into the head judge and knocking him over as well. Needless to say I got a stern warning about fighting under control.
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Do they do "Cup Checks"? I had a few students who didn't wear a cup, thinking it was "cool". Needless to say, after scoop-kicking everyone in the class, they decided "cool" ranked somewhere below breathing normally.
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In one of my testings, a couple of my classmates were doing one-step sparring techniques. One of them accidently (I think) kicked the other soundly in the groin with a snap kick. The poor fellow just stood up, put his hand up, turned around, then COLLAPSED. It was the funniest thing I had ever seen because of the timing...
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About a year after receiving my Black belt, I was preparing to perform Kata in a tournament. When my name was called by the head judge, I turned around, adjusted my uniform, and ran across the gymnasium to stand and give my presentation of the kata. While running, I realized that I had not tied my gi pants tight enough and as I neared the judges, they began to slowly work their way down my hips. By the time I reached the head judge, I was forced to request a moment for adjustment of my uniform as the pants had fallen down to about mid-thigh. Thankfully, a fellow Black Belt came out to hold my top up while I retied the pants. I didn't score too well on the kata due to the judges' eyes being shut while stifling their laughter. I did redeem myself later in the day, however, by winning the Kumite Grand Championship.
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This happened about a month ago - we had a class which consisted solely of three black belts and the Instructor. We were lined up so that we took turns wheel-kicking a pad held by the Instructor. I was at the back of the line, and the guy in front of me was doing a half-speed low wheel-kick in the line to try to perfect his technique before he kicked the pad. He was concentrating so hard that he didn't see where his foot was headed, and kicked the (female) student in front of him squarely in the butt. I was laughing so hard, I had to pretend to turn around and adjust my uniform - fortunately when I turned back, the Instructor (and the other two students) were cracking up too; he said it was a really good thing there were no yellow belts there that day to witness it.
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About after a week at the school I train at now, I did some light sparring with another student, a beginner as well though he'd been there longer than I. We're going along fine, doing basic techniques. I see him chamber a rear-leg roundhouse...and for some strange reason, I think he's going for my head, not realizing he doesn't have the flexibility. So, I ducked...right into the kick, effectively blocking it with my face. Luckily it was light sparring, and all I did was get my lips busted. Dopey me.
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In a pattern competition, ~2 years ago, I mannaged to punch myself 5 cm abowe my right eye. How this happened - well It's not always easy to do a upward elbow strike- when your focused on something completly different :) Well, I managed to finish ..... Last!
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I had two brothers (8 and 9 years old) sparring in class, with everyone else sitting around the ring. The younger one threw a roundhouse kick to the groin, and we all heard this incredibly loud POP! that echoed in the room. Broke his own brothers cup. My eyes still water thinking about it.

[Ed. note: OW!]

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A few years ago my instructor was demonstrating some hanbo (short staff) techniques with a fukaro (sp?) shinai. For those of you that don't know, this type of shinai is very flexible. Anyway, he was showing us a techniques that involved shifting to one side to avoid a knife strike while making an upwards strike to the groin. Needless to say, the shinai flexed a little more than he thought it would, catching his uke square in the gonads. Everyone laughs about it now, including the gentleman that got nailed, but I can still remember the surprised look on his face..
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I remember once in practice a particularily lanky fellow managed to kick himself in the groin. I still haven't figureed out what happened, I was looked away for a second and then he was on the floor. I imagine that he threw a knee and his heel went a little high. I think he was more embarassed than anything else.
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My sensei is 62 and just had both knees replaced 6 months ago. He's really like a new man, and he MOVES again, quickly for a big guy. So one day, (since I am the senior assistant he demonstrates techniques on me) he's showing a punch roll (don't ask, it can't be explained in text) that is followed by a shoulder bar and then a knee to the face. Well, he's not quite used to the new knees yet and thier actually very lightweight. So as I'm going down, I feel this WHAM on the right cheekbone that is LITERALLY like being hit with a hammer. Turns out, his new knees are titanium and some polymer plastic and HARD AS HELL. Almost knocked me out.
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once, as a mid-level kyu student in karate, i was holding a shinai hori- zontally for a brown belt to run and leap over. my grip was light, and as he crossed over, his toe caught the shinai, knocked it free, and as he began to land, it tumbled into a vertical orientation, whereupon he proceeded to impale himself in the jewels..|:O..i never knew how deadly a shinai could be...i always hold with both hands now. he's okay, but he won't let me forget it..;)
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Well, I once did a side kick in sparring when I wasn't very experienced, so I sort of "hopped" round to twist my hips over, taking the weight off my feet. Instead of flexing the foot I was kicking with I flexed the foot I was landing on (now THAT's malcoordination for you) and sprained my ankle. I went down on the floor and the sifu started to reprimand my sparring partner (who was considerably senior to me). Then I had to explain what had happened. Their laughter haunts me still...
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A friend of mine went to a karate tournament and was watching a men's senior belt kata division. One of the competitors began his kata, which involved motions done with dynamic tension (I believe the kata was Nisei shi sho). About five moves into the kata, the competitor just passed out! He hadn't been breathing properly during his kata and just keeled over. He was fine after a couple of minutes.
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One time I was a bit late rushing to a training session. I ran out into the garden and quickly grabbed my karategi. I made the class ok...but I managed to train for 10-15 mins with a white plastic clothes peg attached to the top-half of my karategi! My sensei - who spotted it- thought it was hilarious - luckily!
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have one for you....During one class, Sensei called one of the senior students up to help demonstrate the next technique. Now this guy is know to be...shall we say miserly....so his gi was way past its prime and had shrunk until it was really too small for him. Sensei starts to demonstrate the technique which ended in a throw. I am so intent on the technique that at first I don't really notice anything except what Sensei is doing. But suddently, I realize that my husband who was sitting next to me is shaking so hard from laughter that he is about to fall over. I watched again and realized that the senior student's gi had slipped down on his hips so far that he was pretty much mooning us every time he was thrown. Pretty soon, the whole class was basically in tears from trying to hold in the laughing. I don't really know how Sensei kept a straight face! Anyway, needless to say, Sensei stongly recommended to him after class that he purchase a new gi.....
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in a bar fight I watched someone apply Ude-osai, god I'm mangling the spelling today, or your common wrist lock from a lapel grab. I guess the guys snapped it on good, because when the person droped to his knees to avoid the lock he actually bouced his head off the floor knocking himself out. Very neat technique.
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I had a student, nick-named himself "Freight Train" Frank. Well, as most of the younger students liked to do before class, he would do running kicks to our 200lbs punching bad. One day, as I sat with my instructor in the studio office, we watched him cross the room, and we figured what was about to happen. He ran full speed across the room, put his head down, and proceded to ram the bag with the top of his head. The bad swung, the frame it was attached to pulled itself from the floor, and the whole thing went through the wall into the beauty supply store next door. We got bigger bolts for the frame that night. Oh yeah, Frank was fine. Just stood there and almost soiled his Gi, with the damage he caused and all.
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A few eons back, we were practising the first kendo kata. The attacker cuts men (the top of the head) and the defender steps back, avoiding the cut, which swishes almost to the floor. I was defending, and I jumped back more than stepped. A certain sensitive part of my anatomy swung up as my opponent's sword came down. The downswing met the upswing, so to speak, and I was on the floor. Luckily, we were using shinai. This ties in to the underwear thread, because ever since then I've worn briefs under my hakama to prevent another painful incident.
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The stupidest accident I've had was when I was a red belt in Taekwondo. I had seen a 2nd dan black belt hold a pine board in his left hand and neat as you please, he broke it in half with a right hand shuto. One day while practicing alone I decided to see if I could do the same thing. I was completely successful, but the top half of the board came off and flew right up and smacked me between the eyes, opening a fair sized gash, and leaving me with a nice goose egg. To add insult to injury, both of my eyes were blackened.
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This reminds me of something in class I'd forgotten about. A small third dan (maybe he was a second dan then) was going to do a jumping roundhouse kick to a board held at head height of a tall second dan. The kicker tried once and kicked an inch or two too high on the board. He tried again and this time kicked an inch or two too low. Finally he jumped again, kicked right in the center and- the middle piece of the board went flat back against the holder's nose while he was left still holding the top and bottom pieces! "Punch out at the perforation!"
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One of my instructors once, during a 'anything can and will happen' talk, told us about a particular grappling match in which he went twice attempted a cross body arm bar (jugi gatame?). The first time the sweat on the guys armmade him lose his grip as he was thrusting his feet into position and he went flying back about 8 feet or so. Later in the match he had the same opportunity, grabbed the arm and pulled, lost his grip and proceed to drive his finger up his own nose - which promptly began to gush blood everywhere.
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We were doing a show for the Ontario Winter Games a few years ago. The opening ceremonies was being broadcast live on local television stations. One of our BBs was doing a break of two concrete slabs with his head. Unfortuantely, instead of htting with his forehead he hit with his face. He broke his nose and began to bleed all over the stage as the cameras did a close-up. Gotta love live TV :->
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I did something similar, I'm sorry to say. While still a white belt, I was throwing my (male) partner with ouchi gari (major inner reaping throw), but lost my balance while sweeping his leg. He fell on his back, legs spread, and _I_ fell forward between them, landing on his cup with my knee... you bet it cracked! The poor guy said he saw his life flash before his eyes. He was a good sport about the accident though (once the pain wore off), and proudly showed his cracked cup to people for about a month afterwards. My nickname for about a year in the dojo was "The Headhunter".
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I've witnessed a woman break her own nose with a front kick above her head during a demo at a seminar. I almost wet my pants I was laughing so hard. Afterwards I heard her tell her instructor, "You didn't say _that_ could happen!"
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The stupidest move ever performed in a tournament I was an orange belt at the time and had won quite a few tournaments. As a result, my ego was inflated much more than it should have been. I was fighting this guy frm Northern Karate in Toronto who was able to read people better than anybody I had every seen. He could predict the moves of someone so well that he had ample time to perform any block or whatever, the guy was phenomenal. Anyways, I was fighting in the final match against him and was down 2-0 (fights go to 3). I knew that I had no chance to best this guy, basics were not working so I decided to try something that had worked quite well in the dojo. I got some distance between us and performed a front roll, intending to come up into a jumping side kick (hey, it worked the one other time I tried it). Unfortunately, the guy did not step back but side stepped and placed his foot in my chest as I was starting to come up out of my roll. There I was back flat on the floor, foot in chest, and the guy grinning at me. I felt like a fool. What was worse is there was a girl from Northern, video taping the match. After that match I disappeared REAL quick. You know, have not tried that since.
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I was competing at a karate tournament last summer; for the first time my girlfriend, who is fairly apathetic about my budo madness, came along to videotape my matches. I really wanted to impress her so I had trained my ass off. When it came time to fight, I came up against one of these incredibly irritating asses who fights with his leg cocked up, jumping around on one foot. He was quick though, and caught me with his mae-geri front kick twice. Knocked me on my ass because my fighting stance at that time was very square and aggressive. Needless to say, I lost the match because my shots were deemed excessive contact (joke!). Sitting up in the bleachers, I was hoping that the guy would go on to win so that I didn't look like I was eliminated by some nobody. Up there, sitting beside Ange, I watched only half-interested until buddy came up. As we watched, he attacked with a penetrating front kick. The opponent side stepped and buddy went sprawling to the floor, hit his head on the floor, and knocked himself out. I got eliminated by someone who knocked himself out. As we walked out of there, the only thing more injured than his bald head was my rapidly deflating ego.
-------------------------------------

This one reminds of a student in our dojo. He was a yellow or oragne belt (don't remember) he had pick up a 3-sectional staff somewhere and was trying to figure out how to swing it. Nobbody in the dojo really knew how to use them very well so he was experimenting on his own in the middle of the dojo. Anyways, as he was swinging it on section swung up and struck him in the back of the head, knocking him out. After we brought him back to consciousness and dtermined that he was ok we left. Not 10 minutes later there he was again, face flat on the floor. He had knocked himself out again with the staff. Twice, in less than 30 minutes. This time we took him to the hospital tocheck for a concussion, luckily he did not have one.
-------------------------------------

It was after class at night in the parking lot and I was playing with a heavy five foot staff, making passes over my head and behind my back as I turned in front of my friends.On end of the staff caught the ground as I was twirling away and it messed up my rotation but the speed of the staff caused it bounce up to meet my face in a lovely smaking sound! It was sort of dark but The blood spray hit one of my buddys about six feet away . Well they stiched my lip back to my face , about a half inch was hanging down in front of my mouth. That was a long night , ten stiches in my lip , lucky I have always worn a mustache, hides the scar real good
-------------------------------------

I was doing a drill with one of the girls in my class where you were supposed to inside crescent kick a target hand of your partener. anyway, i don't know what the hell she was thinking but her 'arc' for the crescent ended up straight up between my legs...needless to say i collapsed in a big heap and didn't move for a little while.
-------------------------------------


Yes, an amazing amount of those ended up with people being nailed in the groin. Well, it's funny if it happens to someone else...

Kinda like standing in class watching someone else get mangled in a lock, and laughing and groaning at the same time while watching them grimace in pain...



Ghostwheel's Top Ten Signs you're in a McDojo

  • 10. Your instructor has a Grandmasters Certificate. In Crayon.
  • 9. The Senior Assistant Instructor is a 4 year old black belt.
  • 8. The sign in the window says the school trains in more than 10 martial arts.
  • 7. Its a Korean art. [Ed. Note: HEY!!]
  • 6. Your instructor tries to sell you Amway products.
  • 5. While examining the schools tournament trophies, you find 3 for spelling bees.
  • 4. Reading the contract for the school is considered a kata (and a long one at that).
  • 3. No one sweats.
  • 2. While at a tournament, your opponent finds out who your teacher is and high-fives his teacher.
  • 1. When paying for your belt examinations, the instructor asks: "Do you want fries with that?"

The Top 13 Signs You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School

  • 13. Your dojo's symbol is a bullseye target.
  • 12. First demonstration consists of falling to the floor, curling into the fetal position, and whimpering pitifully.
  • 11. Frequent pauses while instructor tearfully stops to right his spilled pocket protector.
  • 10. The "gis" are used hospital gowns, and the "throwing stars" are just slices of old cheese.
  • 9. The homework is always just to watch a Jackie Chan movie.
  • 8. The techniques are only effective if your attacker is one of the Three Stooges.
  • 7. Instructor's low fees enhanced by take from one-on-one "pop quizzes" in dark alleys.
  • 6. Benihana has a restraining order against your instructor.
  • 5. Local muggers gather in the parking lot waiting for class to end.
  • 4. Current students bark out on cue the phrase "Insurance does not exist in this dojo!"
  • 3. You take yourself to the mat 4 out of 5 times simply trying to tie your belt on.
  • 2. Sensei's "ancient Chinese secret" required notifying the neighbors when he moved in.

  • ...and the Number 1 Sign You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School...

  • 1. Did Confucius ever really say he was "going to open up a can of whoop-ass" on someone?

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]


Newbie Guide to Martial Arts Doublespeak

When People Say...
They Really Mean...
Japanese martial arts are the best. I practice a Japanese martial art.
This art is thousands of years old. This style is decades old.
The martial arts are about building better people. The martial arts are about sweat, blood, and money.
Chinese martial arts are the best. I practice a Chinese martial art.
High kicks are stupid. I can't do high kicks.
Sparring is extremely important. I'm good at fighting and I like it and I can't do much of anything else.
The martial arts are about building better people. The martial arts are about beating people up if they lay a finger on you.
Korean martial arts are the best. I practice a Korean martial art.
Breaking techniques are very important. We do a lot of breaking techniques.
I don't believe in grades. Nobody ever gave me a high grade.
The martial arts are about building better evolved characters. Like me.
Filipino martial arts are the best. I practice a Filipino martial art.
Sophisticated arts like Aikido and Tai Chi are far superiod. Sparring frightens me.
He's a good martial arts teacher. He's in my organization.
He's a lousy martial arts teacher. He used to be in my organization but he broke away and now I don't get any money from him anymore.
My style is the best. I don't know anything about any other styles.
Grades are not important. There is a grading coming up, and it's important.
Breaking techniques are useless. I can't do breaiking technqiues.
I'm an innovative, free-thinking modern Western martial arts teacher, doing my own non-classical thing. I'm more interested in teaching than learning; and the Orientals ignore me because they know how ignorant I am.
Martial arts politics are the necessary results of official recognition by respectable associations to protect the public. I belong to a large, well-established organization.
I hate martial arts politics. None of the large, well-established organizations recognize me or have the slightest interest in my existence.
In this system, we make the art fit the person. In this system, we make the person fit the art.
Competitions are a waste of time. I never won any competitions.
Forms or kata are the highest expression of the inner essence of the martial arts. I read that somewhere--and I've had enough of tournaments.
Forms or kata are useless. Bruce Lee said forms are useless and this relieves me of a lot of effort, so go argue with him.
One style is not better than another--it's the individual that counts. Don't go to another school--it's the style we teach here that counts.
The techniques aren't important. The techniques are important.
The principles are important. I wouldn't know what else to do with the principles so it's the techniques that are important.
Bruce Lee didn't know what he was talking about. I don't know what Bruce Lee was talking about.
Size and strength are not important. Size and strength are important, especially if you're fighting somebody who's bigger and stronger than you are.
Science and leverage will always win out over brute force. Except when he's bigger and stronger than you are.
The purpose of the martial arts is spiritual development and liberation from the ego. I'm so humble and wise, it's terrific.

This is really funny---but it's scary how many of these you hear from people, with the meanings like those above.


You Know You've Been In the Martial Arts Too Long When...

  • You say to the salesman in the men's store, "Nice pants, but I don't think I can kick in them."
  • When you want to say "I'm sorry" and involuntarily bow.
  • You go to the shoe store to try on shoes --Instead of walking or jogging around the store, you practice pivoting, sweeps, stances and kicks, you check to see if the shoe has a sufficiently hard striking surface and whether it protects the toes well, and lastly, you don't even care if (and they probably are) the other patrons are looking at you funny. (That's the big clue)
  • Now when every time you pass a wall you start to wonder:'Is that structural or drywall?' THEN you know you've gone overboard.
  • When you hit your head on a low doorway or ceiling and kick it in anger and _damage_ it.
  • "GAK! NO! The *left* side of the bathrobe goes on top...."
  • "What was I doing in my office when I was spinning around and flailing my arms and legs? Ahhhhhmmmmmmm....."
  • When you're practicing your arm blocks while driving down the highway, notice someone in another car staring at you, and suddenly turn your block into vigorously fanning away an imaginary fly
  • When you use various strikes to turn lights off and on;
  • Don your clothing with kicks, thrusts, and punches
  • Open and close doors with spinning kicks
  • Find yourself idly doing iaido and kenjitsu moves with the plastic knives at the fast food place
  • Can't walk by anybody else from your school without casually exchanging a flurry of mock strikes and kicks
  • Haven't gotten over the phase of seeing everybody walking around with a blanket of little red cross-hairs on all their vital spots
  • Leap to your feet and shriek with indignation while watching "Kung Fu", "Walker, Texas Ranger", and "Highlander" at home
  • Deliberately go to see martial arts movies in the theater so you can leap to your feet and shriek with indignation during the movie, out in the parking lot, and with all your friends the next time you're at class
  • Find yourself practicing bo staff techniques in miniature with your pencil during dull meetings
  • Try to backfist the correct floor button on the inside of the elevator, based on your memory of the button's location, before you get in far enough to see it
  • Notice you never stand with your arms crossed or your hands in your pockets
  • Tend to keep at least one flavour of martial arts weapon close at hand by your bed when you sleep
  • Buy shoes either because they're particularly flexible or have steel toes
  • Have at least one fantasy where you are a martial arts hero and end the fight by saying something *so* cool that you make Arnold Shwarzenegger and Clint Eastwood look like nervous chatterboxes
  • Have begun to master the reflex to commit a very messy homicide when, directly after someone finds out you practice martial arts, they immediately ask "Are you a Black Belt ???"
  • Urge to bow every time I enter or leave a room? Uh, not anymore, thankfully.
  • I used to accidentally call one of my favorite professors 'sensei' with fair regularity, and I don't think I'll ever stop saying 'hai!' instead of 'yes!'.
  • When standing in line you find yourself practicing some stance from your art
  • When you bow going into and out of the bathroom
  • When you don't use any tools while splitting firewood.
  • When you are introduced to someone and you bow to greet them.
  • Whenever you see some wood or concrete, even things like stools or tables, and get excited while you picture just how you would go about breaking it. Then you get funny looks as you feel it and give it a look of hard concentration, then maybe measure off a few times.
I counted off how many of these I do----I'm embarrassed to admit to 21 of them.


Some Martial Arts Definitions...

These are meant in fun, so don't take offense. And they ARE funny...

VARIOUS QUOTES FROM PEOPLE:

* Kempo: Percussion class with people as the drums

* Aikido: Origami with people

* Jiu-jitsu: people who fold your laundry for you----while you are still wearing it.

* Tai Chi: martial art overdosed on valium...

* The idea of Taiji is to yield to your opponent's attack.... in most cases the yielding seems to be so pronounced that the idea must be to play on the opponent's pity. :^)

* Someone once told me my Tai Chi would only be useful in fighting NFL replays.

* I once described Tai Chi to my fellow classmates as being just like standing still, only faster.


Minor Martial Arts Dictionary

Aikido:
A martial art which allows you to defeat your enemy without hurting him. Unless of course his does not know how to ukemi in which case he has his wrist broken in about 20 places.
Arnis:
"Harness of the hand." A Filpino martial art, also known as eskrima and kali, centering around stick, blade and empty hand combat. Mispronanciation of the art guarantees a quick taste.
Bo:
A stick.
Bokken:
A stick that looks like a sword.
Buddhism:
A religious doctrine and a marketing tool to populate asia with statues of short fat bald men.
Chi:
A biophysical energy generated through breathing techniques, which in defying the laws of physics and the basic scientific common sense, allows the user to develop super human strength.
Dan:
A term used in the Japanese martial arts for anyone who has achieved the rank of at least first-degree black belt.
Darn:
The sound uttered when the wearer of a Dan realizes that they will now get hit harder and more frequently during training.
Dojo:
"The place of the way." A training hall or gymnasium. Very similar to a B & D parlor but without the mistress.
Hakama:
A skirt sometimes worn in the Martial Arts but we don't really like to talk about it.
Iaido:
"Way of the sword." The modern art of drawing the samurai sword from its scabbard. A rather interesting art developed around the principle of "look how big mine is".
Judo:
"Gentle way." A Japanese art where grown men roll around cuddling each other without apparently doing any damage. These men are often closet Hakama wearers.
Jujitsu:
A lot like judo except that these boys like to inflict slightly more damage. Tend to get very angry when accused of being Hakama wearers and often are heard saying "You gotta a big mouth"
Karate:
"Empty hand" or "China hand." The primary purpose of this art is the destruction of wood and other natural products. Most Karate styles have a placing on Green Peace's most wanted list. This art will be outlawed by most countries by the turn of the century. Karate people enjoy pain, this is shown by their habit of fighting with their fists on their hips.
Kata:
A series of prearranged maneuvers practiced in many of the Oriental martial arts in order to avoid free sparring or anything else that may involve pain.
Katana:
A sharp metal stick.
Kendo:
A strange and unusual past-time involving hitting each other with sticks and making in-human sounds. Could be a cult ??
Kuk Sool Won:
A combination of Kata, Karate, Tae Kwon Do, Zen, Jujitsu and Master definitions but of course the tapes for Kuk Sool Won are much more expensive.
Kung fu:
A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts. Many of these arts involve the emulation of animals. Many students of Pray Mantis spend years attempting to obtain the other 4 legs while students of Monkey Kung-fu tend to find themselves being carted off by men in white lab coats.
Master:
A title bestowed on a martial artist who has attained advanced rank after long years of study or has started his own style after achieving kyu grades in at least 4 arts, or has completed the "Become a Master by Video" course available for only 19.95 per month.
Naginata:
A stick with a sharp bit on the end.
Ninja:
A rather confused individual who likes sneaking around at night in his pajamas.
Ninjutsu:
The art of being confused and sneaking around in your pajamas
Sparring:
Bashing each other senseless in the hope that nobody realizes that you don't know any kata or techniques.
Tae kwon do:
An unusual martial art that relies on its followers to have the flexibility of a professional ballet dancer.
Tai chi chuan:
Another unusual art that promises ultimate power from moving very slowly for many years. The drawback being that by the time you develop the ultimate power you are close to death anyway.
Tatami:
"Straw mat." A mat usually measuring three by six feet and three inches thick (with bound straw inside.) Original purpose to prevent blood stains on the wooden floor.
Three sectional staff:
Three sticks linked together.
Zen:
The discipline of enlightenment related to the Buddhist doctrine that emphasizes meditation, discipline, and the direct transmission of teachings from master to student. Mostly taught by rather old and confused monks who have had one too many rocks fall on their heads during waterfall meditation. Works best when sitting in a cave facing a wall for 10 years or so.




Top Ten Reasons for Studying the Martial Arts

By Danny Abramovitch


10) Broken masonry makes great drainage for potted plants.

 9) Get beaten up by people half your size and twice your age.

 8) Never run out of kindling wood again.

 7) No need to wonder what belt to wear.

 6) Get to be on first name basis with the Emergency Room staff.

 5) These uniforms make nice pajamas.

 4) Never need to wonder why it's hard to get up in the morning.

 3) Get to appreciate the finer points of Chuck Norris' acting.

 2) Learn to count to 10 in 3 different Asian languages.

And the top reason for studying martial arts:

 1) (Tie) Get to star in Ginsu commercials. /
    Three words:  free nose job.



You Know You're Hooked on Karate When...

By De Stewart

Do you wake up Saturday mornings stiff and sore? Is another night like Friday night the only thing that will make you feel better? Do you workout alone? Do you find that once you've thrown a jab, you can't stop until you've followed it with a reverse punch? If so, you may be (gasp!!) HOOKED ON KARATE. How do you know? Here are a few clues.

  1. You know you're hooked when the first word out of your parrot's mouth is KIAI!, and you teach your cat how to free spar.

  2. You know you're hooked when you have more bruises than a roller derby queen, and you still go back for more.

  3. You know you're hooked when you shut the refrigerator door with a side thrust kick.

  4. You know you're hooked when you shop for clothes based on whether you can kick in them.

  5. You know you're hooked when the only clothes you'll wear are gis.

  6. You know you're hooked when you actually crave a beach workout.

  7. You know you're hooked when the books on your night stand are by authors like Gichin Funakoshi, Hirokazu Kanazawa and Musashi Miyamoto.

  8. You know you're hooked when the Twelve Days of Christmas becomes: one boxing bag, two boxing gloves, three shin pads (includes an extra pad for the one you'll inevitably lose), four Tokaido gi's, five rolls of adhesive tape....twelve cases of Tiger Balm.

  9. You know you're hooked when you look for a place to live based on the amount of practice space it provides.

  10. You know you're hooked when you refuse to wear shoes.

Well, how did you score? Does any of these situations sound familiar? If so, it's hopeless - you're hooked. The only option now is to join CKA, Compulsive Karatekas Anonymous. Don't fret though. I'm sure you'll find plenty of familiar faces. See you there.


Iron Crotch Kung Fu

Someone write this to me, and you can see what my response was. The scary part of the following is that what he wrote to me is true, and used to be practiced.

I don't know if you've heard of this but here goes.

Iron Crotch Kung Fu ( I swear I heard this on TV during a demonstration of Kung Fu)

Find a large heavy rock

  1. Place rock on a near by wall
  2. Tie a leather thong (rope) securely around the rock
  3. Tie the other end of the rope around your scrotum
  4. Assume a horse riding stance and walk backwards pulling the rock off the wall and let swing

The scary thing here is that this is a true thing---this sort of thing used to be one of the "tests" given by the Shaolin priests to gauge your chi.

Yipe.

Personally, I think what it REALLY was had to do with the fact that the older priests were tired of having to deal with the high testosterone levels of the younger initiates, so they devised this "test". After doing that a couple of times, testosterone is something your body simply won't produce anymore. Ta-da! Instant serene monk, without that pesky testosterone-based macho attitude.

Ow.

It's supposed to show your would-be attacker that you are impervious to pain. This is definately the case but I'm not sure how practical this would be in a fight. It also shows your attacker you are as thick as a plank.

Strong, tough---and not much for brains. :)


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Copyright, 1998. Nebraska Hapkido Association, J. Thomas Howard